I pull grease stained paper plates from the table. Put the ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise back in the spots where they live on the refrigerator door. Silence falls over the house after a whirlwind of dinner activity. And when I close the refrigerator door, my dog stands frozen on the cold tile looking up at me with some killer eye contact.
It seems he talks to me at a decibel I cannot hear, waits for me to answer a question. Even when I ask him what he wants, it is as if he stands in wet concrete. Until I say the word outside and then he gallops off to the door.
In the early morning hours I stand waiting too. Waiting on God to speak about what He wants me to write. And I must speak dog because I don’t hear anything that resembles His voice. Maybe I don’t use the right words.
I am lone boat without horizon, still water waiting for rescue.
As the sun rises, young voices crack open silence, startle back to reality and I feel stood up. Like He forgot we were supposed to meet here today. And even though we meet like this every morning to watch the sunrise, I think perhaps He was too busy, has something more important to do.
And after I put turkey and swiss between bread, fill lunch boxes, drive kids to school, I look for writing inspiration. Read the words others pen in blogs. And that looking for inspiration triggers the lies I tell myself, that I am a failure.
I don’t really believe I am a failure or that God stood me up but this circumstance, it triggers emotions that feel real but are not the truth. Because I know God doesn’t call me failure. He calls me beloved.
I recall the sermon my husband gives just weeks ago about the way we often ask God why. The need we have for answers and explanations. How he uses the analogy of our asking God why with trying to explain things to a dog. And this truth: God only tells us what we need to know in the way we understand.
Later, as I stand under the shower spout, He reveals more. He pulls the pieces of my downcast wondering together in one thought. When I become anxious and seek inspiration outside of Him, compare my gifts to how He gifts others, I create idols. (1Samuel 12:21)
Then He prompts me to go back to the first words I read this morning:
“We do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” ~Romans 8:26
And I realize, he was there with me to watch the sunrise. His words just didn’t sound the way I expected.
“And God searches your heart, not to know what your conscious prayers are, but to find out what the prayer of the Holy Spirit is.” ~Oswald Chambers
Linking with Ann today and you really must go here to read about the trip bloggers take to Ecaudor.
Jen @ Finding Heaven, Joy @ Life:unmasked, Emily @ Imperfect Prose, Shanda @ Pause on the Path