One of my greatest fears is that God will change His mind about me.
I know it’s irrational.
A few weeks ago, I had one of those days a writer dreams about. You know, when all the words stack like dominoes in your mind just waiting to be poured out into sentences.
The Holy Spirit took control of my fingers and the magic typed out, so fast my thoughts were like chasing the caboose down the tracks. I was trying to climb on the momentum, grasping hands around the railing with one foot on the step, as the power throttled with focus toward the destination.
The next day, I waited for that train. It never came back.
I sat twiddling the frayed end of my thoughts on my writing bench, rolling the same words around until all I had left was the lint of a blinking cursor. The train was cancelled due to cloud cover drifting over my heart. So I decided to get lunch.
The routine or methodology used the day we achieve success is not always the key unlocking tomorrow’s hope.
“There is a tough fibrous root of fallen life whose nature is to possess, always to possess,” writes Tozer, “things have become necessary to us, a development never originally intended. God’s gifts now take the place of God and the whole course of nature is upset by the monstrous substitution.”
But faith isn’t about what we possess or our perceived goodness is it? It’s about surrender and trust.
On Sunday, as I listened to the sermon about jealousy, my ears perked in the serendipity. A blog post I’d written a few days prior with the word jealous in the title was waiting to be published in the queue. The content was written from a different angle than the sermon, but nonetheless, I was paying attention.
“Jealousy is a signal that I think He has not given me enough”, said my pastor, “that God isn’t being fair somehow. Jealousy is the road sign – Change direction, something is wrong somewhere else in your life.”
Jealousy was the cause of the empty train tracks that day because I was apprehensive of losing God’s affection and favor. My trust was in the gift, not the Giver.
After I dipped the bread into the wine and swallowed, I turned around and walked directly into the prayer room. I stood between two saints full of spiritual wisdom, opened my hands while surrendering my words and swirling thoughts to the Muse.
Swaying over my shoulders down to my feet, peace blanketed my thoughts and words drifted to the forefront. “You are afraid I’m going to leave you and I will never do that.”
Suddenly, I was a little girl walking serpentine through an empty winter forest, like Red Riding Hood holding treats in her basket. I was following the red cape, not wearing it.
He will never change his mind about you. His love is not dependent upon your goodness or success. Perhaps you need to hear that today, like I do.