The interior of the house is dim and quiet. A stray light from a side table lamp illuminates the living room; a tiny bulb on the refrigerator door, the kitchen. I’m on a scavenger hunt for my phone when I find my son standing slant on his hip, holding a cup to catch ice cubes as they tumble out of the door. Tags swing underneath his armpit and on the waist of skinny jeans; back to school clothes purchased hours ago on our road trip while in Virginia. He turns toward me with a smile of resignation underneath the black frames of his glasses. Only a mother knows the definition of the eyes on that kind of smile.
It isn’t what he envisioned, coming back home and connecting with friends online after two weeks of silent internet at the cottage on our favorite lake in Canada. “We’re just going back to the way things used to be,” he said.
I nod in empathy. I spent twenty hours in the car looking out the blur of my window, silently resigning myself to what he just discovered, perhaps for the first time.
There is a vast difference between belonging and fitting in.
A week ago, we gathered around the cottage table when H randomly asked the kids to define the words belonging and fitting in. My son nailed it. With one bare foot in the kitchen, the other on the porch, he pushes the screen door open wearing damp swim shorts, chewing the last bite of a cookie and says, “Belonging is being accepted for who you are and fitting in is changing who you are to be accepted.” Then he jumped in the lake with his cousins.
In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown describes it this way: “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
For two weeks at the cottage, we wake up late, sit in our pajamas under the spell of a shimmering lake and the distant call of loons, and change into swimsuits when the sun takes her high and lofty place. We shower when we want to, talk to neighbors in yesterday’s clothes, walk to the store dripping wet and indulge in high calorie snacks before dinner and dessert. We forget what day it is when asked, don’t think about looking in the mirror for the ideal shape and leave self-doubt on the bedside table with our phones. Only aware of the time when the sun begins her descent and the breeze tickles our skin, signaling twilight and a change into sweatshirts.
We’re surrounded by aunts and uncles and cousins who accept immature mistakes, forgive the proclivities of childhood and relish our differences.
I used to think that two weeks of vacation away from the crowds on the internet was a necessary respite. A return to our hidden state: our true selves emerging when cast away from life’s busyness. Now I think differently. Its two weeks of remembering how it feels to belong.
And thankfully, when I think about these definitions I realize my kids choose friendships based on belonging before fitting in. But sometimes, even when in the grasp of community, we feel like misfits with brief stints of open windows blowing the warm breeze of belonging.
Home is not people or a place; it’s a state of being. We are part of something that is bigger than us, something beyond living up to expectations, being popular or acceptance. We belong to Christ.
When we long to fit in and forget we already belong, homecoming feels empty. And sometimes that realization is required to welcome hope, invite courage and press in to wherever you find yourself . . . so you can flourish right where you are.
Linking with Laura, Jennifer, Kristen and thankful to back in this space connecting with you.
“Home is not people or a place; it’s a state of being. We are part of something that is bigger than us, something beyond living up to expectations, being popular or acceptance. We belong to Christ.”
This may be the best definition of home. Ever. Thank you for this beautiful post.
Michelle, I’m so grateful to meet you through Tell His Story and hope you’ll come back and visit. Appreciate your kindness here in the comments.
We just moved to a new community and I’m wrestling with this. In our last church, I felt like I had to be a certain way to be accepted. Here, I feel the opposite, but I’m still coming to terms with who I am and letting people accept me just that way. Thanks for this.
I’ve moved a lot Lisa, so I get this, I do. I think perhaps moving has been the classroom of learning how to be myself more than anything else. at I’m living for an audience of One – that is what it has taught me. Thanks for visiting and for being honest..
When we long to fit in and forget we already belong, homecoming feels empty. And sometimes that realization is required to welcome hope, invite courage and press in to wherever you find yourself . . . so you can flourish right where you are.
I love this part. I was thinking about it, and to belong is to be a ring of great quality that, and particular size that fits perfectly on the hand of the owner.
To Fit in, Is to be a chameleon, and you continue to change with each setting.
Make me a ring anyday!
Great imagery Diane in that ring. Thanks for sharing your wisdom here with us.
So now you have me thinking of the differences between belonging and fitting in…. Good things to think about. Love your insights and your photos. Both are beautiful.
It was an epiphany for me too Lisa, I’m still thinking about it as I read through the comments. Thanks for being here.
As usual an encouraging read, like a pat on the back that says. “you’re doing just fine. No need to change anything, soak in the comfort of belonging to me (God)”. And you’re yet another person who speaks well of Brene Brown’s book, so…I thin I’m going to pick up a copy for myself 🙂
Thanks Shelly!
I’m raising my arms and cheering Ahyana in this realization from you. What a beautiful thing to be able to say about yourself. Yes! You will love this book, I know it.
Some days I stand tall, breath deep and know that I know that I am just where I need to be, that I belong. I am at home with where I am and who I am. Other days, I search my closet to find something that seems to fit the moment or my mood–rifle through the temporal to find the puzzle piece that will fit the shape of my expectations–or perceived expectations of others. The good news is that Jesus loves me in my fishing clothes or my pajamas. There is no pretense with him. I “belong to Christ.” And He is enough. Love this, glad you had a time of belonging and loved the beautiful pics—imagining the cool air that requires a sweat shirt in the evening—good air to breathe in the summertime.
Shelly always provokes such beautiful insights, and I love yours here. Jesus *is* enough. We’re not. We’ll never be. But when we belong to Him, then we realize we don’t need to be enough, because He is, and *we* are His! And I love that we can come as we are–in PJ’s (I’m dating myself w/ that term) or in fishing clothes (I’ll substitute my version here, b/c I don’t fish and wouldn’t be caught dead doing it)…..but I may come as I am, because I belong to Him, and He is all I need. Thank you so much Deanne. I have loved reading your comments at Shelly’s, because through them I hear your lovely and vulnerable heart.
Lynn
Wow, Lynn. How you blessed me! Thank you so very much. Shelly’s words, her life, her path always seem to touch me in the place were I need it most. So thankful for her and for your kindness….you cannot know what it means.
What a gracious thing to say, Dea. And I also loved this line: I search my closet to find something that seems to fit the moment or my mood–rifle through the temporal to find the puzzle piece that will fit the shape of my expectations–or perceived expectations of others
Wow, so insightful. YOu’re a wonderful writer, Dea.
Fondly,
Lynn
You have once again been led by the Lord with this comment to Dea, Lynn. How I love you!
Oh, the feeling is so very mutual, Shelly. Thank you for your generosity and welcoming everyone’s insights at the table you set. What I love is the dialogue and friendships you are engendering. Think of how you bless others!
“Home is not people or a place; it’s a state of being. We are part of something that is bigger than us, something beyond living up to expectations, being popular or acceptance. We belong to Christ.” I love this
I do think there are hidden jewels as we grow older…one of those is finding more peace in belonging rather than fitting in… Blessing to you~
I am finding that too Ro. With every decade, life becomes fuller and more rich. I just wish it came without wrinkles and sagging waistlines. 🙂
Ooooh, wow. Yes. How often do I feel like a misfit when I’m standing in a crowd? Egads. Most of the time. BUT, when I’m where I belong, I can fully inhale. We need to nurture more belonging spaces. *sigh* Wonderful insights, Shelly. Thanks.
I’m trying to figure out how to do that Heather – nurture more belonging spaces. If you have any insights, let me know. I wish you were still living in my neighborhood so we could brainstorm how to do it here.
Insightful wisdom from your son, Shelly. How heartwarming that he has already learned to make a distinction between fitting in and belonging. That boy will go far! I love the life lessons wrapped up in response to having leisure to breathe and simply ‘be’ for a while. You soothe with your soft focus photos and prose like a warm comfort blanket. Yes, this is home, this is belonging:”not a people or a place; it’s a state of being”. Thank you. You have whetted my appetite to read more of Brene Brown’s words too! Blessings 🙂 xx
I have to admit, I think my mouth might have dropped to the floor in his the exclamation of wisdom Joy. My kids never cease to amaze me with their insight and discernment. I’m a blessed mama for sure. You will love Daring Greatly if you get your hands on her book.
Oh my, miss Shelly. You’ve captured in words what I feel in my heart and see in my own life… It should be enough to know that I belong to Him, without comparing and thinking about how I don’t actually fit into most circles.
Blessings.
There isn’t a person on the planet that doesn’t struggle with this Darlene, we all need a little reminding now and then. I’m glad to be the one to do it for you.
Shelly, once more your photos and words leave me breathless (though not wordless! :-), and I must add that so do your son’s. Wow! What wisdom from one so (relatively) young. “Belonging is being accepted for who you are and fitting in is changing who you are to be accepted.” Goodness! I would love to quote Harrison in something which I’m writing. (Oh, gosh, forgive me: Do I have his name right?!) While Christ does end up changing us (and that is a good thing), we don’t have to change ourselves when we come to Him or meet some kind of standard of perfection. We can be who we are, and He loves us anyway. And there are also things about us that He doesn’t want us to change, because it’s how He made us. Yes, we should want to change sin. But when we accept our gifts, personalities–those things that make us uniquely us, the way He designed us (sadly, the things we sometimes want to change)–then we have a sense of belonging in our own skin. And I love how we can be at home in Christ and with each other. We shouldn’t have to change ourselves in order to fit in. And we can only realize this through a true sense of belonging. I think I’m rambling, so I’ll quit, but hopefully, you can make sense of it. I’m just so glad that you have adopted me as a friend, Shelly, and that we belong to each other, heart to heart in Him!
Muchlove
Lynn
Harrison doesn’t know I wrote about him and he won’t mind being quoted. I’m glad we belong to each other too Lynn, you are truly a gift in my life.
As I read the account of your blissful days spent at the cottage, I thought, “This is what heaven will be like! We won’t be governed by time. There will be ample opportunity for gathering at the table with Jesus, relishing in the company of brothers and sisters, even feasting on dessert. (After all, in Revelation 19:9 we’ve been promised a wedding supper with Jesus. And what’s a wedding reception without cake?!) Best of all we’ll be loved and accepted as the unique individuals we are. No more being self-conscious, no more worries about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, no more standing in the closet wondering what to wear in order to fit in. We are definitely part of something bigger than us–something beautiful and glorious–the bride of Christ! Thank you, Shelley, for creating such lovely imagery for us.
Oh, I love that Nancy. And the cottage does feel like a little slice of heaven. A foreshadowing of sorts. I hear Him well there.
Smart kid… Although I’m certain his mom and God had everything to do with it. It is tiring knowing that the world is lost and it’s gonna try to take a piece of us every chance it gets. May we remind ourselves, as your son did for us, that we belong to and our strength is in He who resides within us. Back to reality…
Floyd, I always read your words with a deep, graveling voice with a hint of a country twang. I’m wondering if I got it right or I’m just imagining. You are always so kind in response to what I write and I appreciate it, I really do.
Close! Deep, no gravel yet. More of the accent of a man “fixin'” to change it. I always appreciate reading your heart through the words of your stories. Reading a heart is much different than reading words.
Oh too funny shelly & Floyd! I had never thought about what you sound like, but see you as this one, cool dude! Love those shades.
Lynn
Thank you for this great reminder! We are blessed to have a Savior who forgives the sinner, and accepts those who don’t belong, giving them an eternal home. Our worth and value is in Christ, and every life has value.
It’s something I remind myself often Cara. Thanks so much for visiting.
Wow, your son is very perceptive…your two weeks of belonging sound divine…thanks, Shelly, for sharing 🙂
I know, I’m often amazed at his discernment for his young age Dolly.
I would love to sit and have a meal with Brene Brown. She is just freakin’ awesome.
Oh, me too Megan. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
Your son is a genius, Shelly! Loved this.
I think so.
Thanks for being here Heather, love seeing you in the comments, it blesses me.
What insight! Amazing how he intellectually understood it. But living in that space where we want to belong so we try to fit in can’t be explained by our intellects but only figured out with our hearts.
Great post and I loved the pictures. Sun diamonds on water always make me happy.
Blessings,
Janis
Me too Janis, I never get tired of them.
Shelly, I just love seeing pictures from your time by the lake. They help me breathe deep. I bought Brene’s book on kindle–thinking I would jump in on the discussion Holley and Kelli were hosting a little while ago, but I haven’t touched it yet. Sounds like I need to make time for reading.
I think you will love it Laura. It’s a book to be savored and re-read and watch out, you just might be transformed.
Lovely, lovely post, Shelly.
Thanks Patricia.
wonderful words… thank you.
Thanks Sharon.
Beautiful. I’m visiting from Chasing Blue Skies… and so glad I did.
Becky, how lovely to have you visit, thank you for stopping by.
I’m popping over from Out of the Blue…your son is wise beyond his years!! May we all seek to belong rather than to fit in! Wonderful post!
Blessings,
Bev
Bev, I wished I’d learned that ages ago, to focus on belonging instead of fitting in. But I’m grateful for God’s grace and redemption to know it now.
“Home is not people or a place; it’s a state of being. We are part of something that is bigger than us…”
Chills, Shelly. Just beautiful truth.
Thank you for linking up today ~ your words are a gift!
I’m enjoying your Thursday community Kristen, thanks for tweeting my post.
Oh, Shelly – I so understand this. And I’m so very glad it was a rich and relaxing two weeks away. Praying for you and your kids as you search for places of belonging in this strange home-not-home time. Love to you.
Thank you so much Diana. I appreciate your prayers more than you know.